I Love Sky Mall

My Christmas list, newly revised.

The Instant Sun Shelter

Price: $89.95

Description: This is the shelter that sets up in seconds to provide cover form the sun, wind, and rain . . . included eight metal anchors . . . ensuring stability on blustery days . . . included shoulder-slung bag, leaving your hands free to carry additional gear.

In short: It's a giant, f***ing umbrella. That family does look awfully happy being sheltered from the sun, though.

Meerkat Gang Sculpture

Price: $85.00

Description: Sculpted at over two feet tall from their characteristic sentry stance to their long, thin tails, this charming trio of meerkats is sure to turn heads in your home or garden!

And turn heads it will . . .

The Infinitely Adjustable Reading Valet

Price: $179.95

Description: Unlike typical hands-free bookstands that offer only one position, this superior model telescopes, tilts, yaws, and swivels 360* to allow countless hands-free reading positions.

Can you get any more lazy?

The Only Underwater Pogo Stick

Price: $59.95

Description: This is the only pogo stick designed for use i swimming pools that allows you to perform a variety of waterborne stunts as you bounce off walls or bottoms.

There's definitely a reason this is the only underwater pogo stick around.

The Canine Genealogy Kit

Price: $59.95

Description: This kit analyzes your dog's DNA and identifies breeds in its ancestry. It provides scientific confirmation of the physical characteristics, behavioral tendencies, personality traits, and potential health risks your dog . . . has inherited. A professional laboratory tests a cotton swab that you simply rub against the inside of your dog's cheek . . . You will receive a certificate listing your dog's ancestry . . . Takes up to three weeks to receive results.

It comes with an official certificate?! Well, I'm sold.

The No!No! FaceTrainer

Price: $149.00

Description: Works out facial muscle for a natural looking lift. In a 60-day clinical trial, participants achieved 71% reduction in sagging skin. How it works: The FaceTrainer fits snugly over your face as you perform simple facial movements . . . just ten minutes a day and your FaceTrainer is all you need to look younger and healthier.

Wait, did anyone else catch that? 60 freaking days!

And now my personal favorite. . . .

The Telekinetic Obstacle Course

Price: $99.95

Description: This is a game that uses your focused brain waves to maneuver a ball through an obstacle course. A headband and two earlobe clips measure theta wave activity produced by your brain (similar to EEG monitoring technology used by medical professionals). As you relax and concetrate, the headband sends a wireless signal to the game's air fan . . . suspending or lowering a foam ball; a knob . . . enables you . . . to move the ball through one of eight obstacles including hoops, teeter-totters, baskets, or chutes.

Anyone who doesn't want this is a fool.

*All images and descriptions are from SkyMall.com and SkyMall magazine.

The Golden State

I recently (by which I mean last night) returned from a trip to Los Angeles. Already bunkered in Arkansas for spring break, myself and the 'rents hopped a direct flight to California and landed in LAX around 2 AM, local time. Biologically speaking, I was still stuck in EST and effectively passed out on the bed after a short but extremely hot shower upon arrival at the hotel.

It being our first time in California, of course my Lees partook in every cliche, tourist-y activities including hitting Universal Studios and various parts of Hollywood including the Walk of Fame and Sunset Boulevard. There's something about cliché, tourist-y activities that makes me hate humanity yet feel so connected to it at the same time (postmodernist literature, anyone?). For example, while oohing and aahing at the Wisteria Lane set for Desperate Housewives, I couldn't help but ask:

"Why do I care? Why did I travel literally across the country to ooh and ahh at a fake suburban street?"

When I could not think of an immediate answer, I momentarily felt a little disheartened and depressed. Fortunately, this feeling did not last long as I decided to shake off my angsty teenage self and just enjoy the fact that despite me complaining about the world being so horribly superficial, I will at some level find movie sets cool and faun over Edward Norton.

It's true Hollywood can be see as extremely superficial, trite, and contrived. It's also true that despite this negative view, millions of people around the world watch Paramount productions and read celebrity gossip and know the name Tom Hanks.

Millions of people.

Hundreds of million people.

Around the world.

I think that by itself gives the whole entertainment industry some meaning. Almost every human being in the world participates in it from the moment they turn on their TV sets or drive past a billboard.

So, Hollywood. Contrived? Perhaps. Superficial? Probably.

Meaningless? I don't know.

Alright. Enough ranting.

Despite my open condemnation for all things cliché, these things are cliché for a reason-- everybody loves it.

High points of my vacation: palm trees, beach, sun = cliché, cliché, cliché = awesome, awesome, awesome.

Sky Watching

There's nothing quite like looking down from an airplane, looking at the tiny little lights of Los Angeles while Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here pounds through your ears.

Write it down people-- add it to your list: listen to Pink Floyd 30,000 ft in the air.