COCKROACH

AUGH.

Now, I'm not normally an advocate of capital-letter-speak. However, desperate times call for equally hysterical forms of expression. I have spent the past hour of my life trapping a GIANT COCKROACH and recuperating from the experience.

So, I get home from watching Despicable Me at the theater (a surprisingly pleasant movie, by the way) to find a GIANT COCKROACH in the doorway to my bathroom. I initially mistook it for a blob of hair in the dim lighting only to find out I was reaching out for a DEMON ON SIX LEGS.

I immediately telephoned a friend of mine and began screaming into the phone about the GIANT COCKROACH now in my apartment. After listening to my panicked blabber for a good minute, she calmly told me to squash it with a shoe. At this point, I calmed down a bit and told her yes, I would kill it with a shoe, and yes it will all be fine.

As soon as I hung up the phone, I began to approach the GIANT COCKROACH holding a pair of orange Converse when the little bugger TWITCHED. This of course triggered yet another panic attack which led to me calling my parents. They patiently listened to me cry/shout/bellow (yes, there were tears) incoherently into phone for 30 minutes while I attempted to cover the cockroach with a small Styrofoam bowl.

I finally managed to trap the SOB under not one, but two foam bowls and topped it off with a box of sidewalk chalk to make sure it really couldn't escape. Which lead to me pacing around the apartment trying to calm myself down and sitting down to write this entry.

My heartbeat is still slightly elevated, and as seen in my out of character use of capitalized words, I'm still a tad unnerved. I keep thinking the various spots on the floor in the peripheral vision are more GIANT COCKROACHES. I opened my closet expecting a whole army of them to come swarming out. I have made cockroach spray the number one priority on my shopping list.

Dear god, nothing like a COCKROACH ATTACK to remind me that I'm still 6 years old.

Quasi

My friend Casey and I love the prefix "pseudo." We love it so much, we use it even if it is inappropriate and doesn't make sense. We also love the "non" descriptor. Our conversations are filled with "non-places" doing "non-things" as we pseudo-bitterly reminisce those "pseudo-fun" activities during high school.

At one point, we saw the word "quasi" while browsing the shelves at the library. After discovering this awesome, new modifier, we made a pact of sorts to use it more often. Of course, our tongues were still loyal to "pseudo," and our use of the word "quasi" were consequently few and far between. At best, we would say "pseu--" remember our pact, say "quasi" with extra emphasis and then have a good laugh about it.

Anywho, I was reminded of all of this when few days ago I was standing in line at a burger joint listening to some locals play bluegrass. Which then reminded me of folk music. Which then reminded me of a conversation that I had exchanged with a guy named Cody at the farmer's market about a mutual friend of ours who was in a "sort of folk acappella group." Then I couldn't remember if he had perhaps used the "quasi" or "pseudo" modifier instead of "sort of."

This is one of the few trains of thought I have successfully elucidated, so I thought it was blog-worthy.

Personality Inventory

Ever since I've been done with The-Test-That-Must-Not-Be-Named, I haven't visited the CollegeBoard website, but in midst of my "what major to do in college crisis" (more about that later, perhaps), I landed upon an old personality inventory that I took in junior year (for those interested, it's part of the MyRoad module CollegeBoard has for all members). Partially out of curiosity and mostly out of boredom, I retook the inventory (alright, I admit it. It was mostly out of curiosity).

For the most part, I'm still relatively similar to the person I was in junior year. I still like working by myself, I find crowds slightly uncomfortable, I like to plan ahead, I moderately like change, and the future is something that concerns me.

For most of the questions, you choose how left or right you lean on a spectrum between two statements. For example:

I like a lot of change in my world; too little change is boring

(Strongly)

(Mostly)

(Somewhat)

(Unsure)

(Somewhat)

(Mostly)

(Strongly)

I like stability in my world; too much change bothers me

More often than not, when I did refine an old answer, I opted for the "unsure" option. I questioned a bit how my 16 year old self clicked so confidently checked "strongly" for so many of the prompts. I suspect that I was skewing my answers to convince myself I was more defined than I actually was. I always treated those personality inventories as some sort of competition, as if there was a winner in getting a certain 4 letter personality ID. Now in my crisis of not knowing what I want to do in college, I retook that inventory as honestly as I could, and found it more difficult than I expected.

I ended up scoring as an ENTZ (I got an INTZ in junior year), but my individual section scores were pretty deflated, a couple of them bordering between "slight" and "clear." I feel like I should be able to coherently and elegantly summarize a lesson learned from all of this, but I can't. All I really feel is that slight discomfort knowing that I maybe don't know what I want to do in life as well as I convinced myself during my high-and-mighty, life-will-do-my-bidding phase.

Oh man, college, here I come.

Lazy

My calculus teacher once told me:

It's good to be lazy.

He meant that I should try to solve math problems in "lazy" or "clever" methods. Of course, I took this as an invitation to totally misconstrue his words and justify my laziness for everything else.This being summer and all, I've taken my teacher's advice quite literally. For example, yesterday was spent watching 18 episodes of How I Met Your Mother, which by the way is a fantastic show.

As much as I love following the wisdom of my calculus teacher, I can't help but feel a little dissatisfied . . .

I Love Sky Mall

My Christmas list, newly revised.

The Instant Sun Shelter

Price: $89.95

Description: This is the shelter that sets up in seconds to provide cover form the sun, wind, and rain . . . included eight metal anchors . . . ensuring stability on blustery days . . . included shoulder-slung bag, leaving your hands free to carry additional gear.

In short: It's a giant, f***ing umbrella. That family does look awfully happy being sheltered from the sun, though.

Meerkat Gang Sculpture

Price: $85.00

Description: Sculpted at over two feet tall from their characteristic sentry stance to their long, thin tails, this charming trio of meerkats is sure to turn heads in your home or garden!

And turn heads it will . . .

The Infinitely Adjustable Reading Valet

Price: $179.95

Description: Unlike typical hands-free bookstands that offer only one position, this superior model telescopes, tilts, yaws, and swivels 360* to allow countless hands-free reading positions.

Can you get any more lazy?

The Only Underwater Pogo Stick

Price: $59.95

Description: This is the only pogo stick designed for use i swimming pools that allows you to perform a variety of waterborne stunts as you bounce off walls or bottoms.

There's definitely a reason this is the only underwater pogo stick around.

The Canine Genealogy Kit

Price: $59.95

Description: This kit analyzes your dog's DNA and identifies breeds in its ancestry. It provides scientific confirmation of the physical characteristics, behavioral tendencies, personality traits, and potential health risks your dog . . . has inherited. A professional laboratory tests a cotton swab that you simply rub against the inside of your dog's cheek . . . You will receive a certificate listing your dog's ancestry . . . Takes up to three weeks to receive results.

It comes with an official certificate?! Well, I'm sold.

The No!No! FaceTrainer

Price: $149.00

Description: Works out facial muscle for a natural looking lift. In a 60-day clinical trial, participants achieved 71% reduction in sagging skin. How it works: The FaceTrainer fits snugly over your face as you perform simple facial movements . . . just ten minutes a day and your FaceTrainer is all you need to look younger and healthier.

Wait, did anyone else catch that? 60 freaking days!

And now my personal favorite. . . .

The Telekinetic Obstacle Course

Price: $99.95

Description: This is a game that uses your focused brain waves to maneuver a ball through an obstacle course. A headband and two earlobe clips measure theta wave activity produced by your brain (similar to EEG monitoring technology used by medical professionals). As you relax and concetrate, the headband sends a wireless signal to the game's air fan . . . suspending or lowering a foam ball; a knob . . . enables you . . . to move the ball through one of eight obstacles including hoops, teeter-totters, baskets, or chutes.

Anyone who doesn't want this is a fool.

*All images and descriptions are from SkyMall.com and SkyMall magazine.

The Golden State

I recently (by which I mean last night) returned from a trip to Los Angeles. Already bunkered in Arkansas for spring break, myself and the 'rents hopped a direct flight to California and landed in LAX around 2 AM, local time. Biologically speaking, I was still stuck in EST and effectively passed out on the bed after a short but extremely hot shower upon arrival at the hotel.

It being our first time in California, of course my Lees partook in every cliche, tourist-y activities including hitting Universal Studios and various parts of Hollywood including the Walk of Fame and Sunset Boulevard. There's something about cliché, tourist-y activities that makes me hate humanity yet feel so connected to it at the same time (postmodernist literature, anyone?). For example, while oohing and aahing at the Wisteria Lane set for Desperate Housewives, I couldn't help but ask:

"Why do I care? Why did I travel literally across the country to ooh and ahh at a fake suburban street?"

When I could not think of an immediate answer, I momentarily felt a little disheartened and depressed. Fortunately, this feeling did not last long as I decided to shake off my angsty teenage self and just enjoy the fact that despite me complaining about the world being so horribly superficial, I will at some level find movie sets cool and faun over Edward Norton.

It's true Hollywood can be see as extremely superficial, trite, and contrived. It's also true that despite this negative view, millions of people around the world watch Paramount productions and read celebrity gossip and know the name Tom Hanks.

Millions of people.

Hundreds of million people.

Around the world.

I think that by itself gives the whole entertainment industry some meaning. Almost every human being in the world participates in it from the moment they turn on their TV sets or drive past a billboard.

So, Hollywood. Contrived? Perhaps. Superficial? Probably.

Meaningless? I don't know.

Alright. Enough ranting.

Despite my open condemnation for all things cliché, these things are cliché for a reason-- everybody loves it.

High points of my vacation: palm trees, beach, sun = cliché, cliché, cliché = awesome, awesome, awesome.

Sky Watching

There's nothing quite like looking down from an airplane, looking at the tiny little lights of Los Angeles while Pink Floyd's Wish You Were Here pounds through your ears.

Write it down people-- add it to your list: listen to Pink Floyd 30,000 ft in the air.